


Holding onto you

by Myfanfictionpalace



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, College, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Hurt, Miscarriage, One Night Stand, Rejection, Violence, Wedding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-09
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-06-07 12:38:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15219308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myfanfictionpalace/pseuds/Myfanfictionpalace
Summary: The fact that they were broken up and hadn't spoken for over a month didn't mean that she would let any harm come to him.





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for giving this story a shot :)
> 
> English is not my native language so I'm sorry for any mistakes that may still be in there.

Clarke looked herself over in the mirror before leaving the rest-room and joining the wedding festivities celebrating the union of her friend Octavia and Lincoln. She had always known that the two of them were destined for a great life together even at the end of high school when things seemed so taboo for them. Octavia was 17 and Lincoln 24 many questioned their love and even tried to put a stop to it. All attempts failed. Even Bellamy's.

Her eyes found the face of her- well not really her anything anymore. Until a little over 2 months ago they had been lovers, headed down the path of getting engaged, she even had found the ring he had hidden underneath a box of letters she sent him during his deployment. Clarke shook her head to rid of the thoughts. Next to Bellamy stood Murphy and Miller, two men who had become as brothers to her during their life together in college. She had been alright all day, during the beautiful ceremony but now as the evening fell and the celebration continued she felt rather lonely. Out of respect for the friendship with Octavia she had to be here, O was like a little sister and best friend all in one but after things ended with Bellamy, Clarke had distanced herself a bit from it all. 

When she sees Octavia look around and find her she sents her a soft smile, hoping that it conveys how proud and happy she is for the brunette to start this phase in her life. 

"Can I have your attention for a minute please?" the familiar voice got her heart to race a bit faster, she can't help but think how handsome he looks in the oxford blue suit she bought for him a couple of months ago. Looking down at her own blue dress she smiles sadly at the fact that she never bought something else so they were still matching. 

"O, I can't believe how beautiful you look tonight. The moment you came into my life I realized that something special was happening and I don't get that with a lot of people. When it came down to me having to raise you  I never complained, how could I? You were amazing, smart, funny and I fell completely in love with a little sister I never knew I wanted." he chuckles at her tear stricken face. "I knew that I had a gem on my hands and got protective. Something that wasn't always appreciated as I recall many shoes and tantrums thrown my way over the years." people laughed while everything he said played over in my head for many times I was there to witness the fiery Blake arguments.

"I always hoped that you would eventually understand why I had to be that way, I also hope Lincoln understands the black eye I gave him when you first introduced him to me," the two men grinned at the memory. Although great friends now it wasn't like that at all 4 years ago. "The two of you have proven me wrong and became one of the strongest unions I've seen. I trust you both with my heart and value all the lessons knowing you has brought me. Tonight I celebrate you both along with the people in this room. That your love may continue to grow, that your trust may continue to be solid and that our family may enjoy the happiness you bring. To Lincoln and Octavia!" Bellamy raised his glass of what seemed to be whiskey. 

"To Lincoln and Octavia!"

She raised the glass of wine to her lips and took a small sip, not really enjoying it as the strong smell put her off. 

Deciding that the fruit punch would agree better with her she wanders off to the buffet while others stare at the newlyweds starting their first dance. Clarke takes a few sips of the drink which is clearly spiked before a hand grabs her shoulder. "Care for a dance, Griffin?" it's John Murphy smirking down at her before urging her to come with him. 

"I'm glad to see you, it's been a while since-" 

"Since I've been around the family. I know I needed to not be reminded of what I lost for a while. I'm good now. Better." In the beginning Clarke had thrown herself into alcohol before realizing that was the dumbest thing to do. She needed to fight for a love as great as theirs. To prove to him that she would never even entertain the thought of cheating on him. 

Murphy nodded before spinning her around and pulling her back in to the beat of the song. Ed Sheeran he thought it was. "He hasn't been a happy camper either. I tried talking to him but he's about as stubborn as a mule. She squeezed her eyes and took a deep breath. "John. I-I would never- I have no idea how I ended up in that bed with Dax."

He sighed pulling her to the side when the song is done. "I never really believed that." he smirked knowing it would loosen her up and looked back to where Bellamy and Miller had caught their little interaction. Clarke followed his gaze and for the first time actually looked Bellamy in the eyes. The corner of his mouth seemed to lift just a bit in an attempted smile but it never reached his eyes. Eyes that usually shone with love and amusement around her. 

A couple of hours later Clarke decides that it's time to head home, her emotions have been all over the place tonight and the fatigue she was battling with lately wasn't helping at all. She walked towards Octavia and Lincoln and grinned at them cheesing around. "Time for me to meet up with Mr. Pillow." she joked before pulling Octavia in for a hug. "You are a beautiful bride, O, I can't believe this has finally happened." Octavia put more force into their hug and took Clarkes hands. "I know coming here had to be.. a challenge. Thank you for this and for the present, I couldn't help but peek." she confessed. 

Clarke grinned. "I'm not even surprised. You're exactly like your brother in that way."

Lincoln joined in and gave her a one armed hug, putting his chin on her head. "You will always be family, Clarke. Thank you for being here tonight."

She nodded and waved awkwardly before grabbing her purse from the chair and walking towards the group of familiar men. "Goodnight guys!"

Miller winked and Murphy nodded. "Goodnight Griffin"

"Clarke," Bellamy nodded "thank you for coming for O." Clarke bit her lip "Octavia and Lincoln are like family. I wouldn't miss this. No matter how unwelcome I am." 

"That's our cue" Miller coughed before steering Murphy towards the cocktail table.

"This is O's day. I would never forbid her from inviting the people she cares about." Bellamy said whisper-yelling. 

"No you just fuck them over," she murmured. 

He laughed shaking his head in disbelief before looking around to see if anyone was catching on to the drama unfolding but only saw his two dickhead friends grinning at their discussion. Grabbing her elbow softly before pulling her into the hallway escaping the crowded room. "You want to do this here? Now?"

"What I want is for you to believe me that after all we've been through over the years. the last thing to ever cross my mind would be to cheat. Didn't you see how perfectly happy I was with you?" 

"I don't have time or energy for this right now." He hissed getting annoyed. 

Frustrated she yanked her arm from his grasp and shook her head. She remembered waking up in her own bedroom naked with a naked Dax seemingly asleep next to her. She however had no recollection of how they even got to that point. But it was enough for Bellamy and Miller to walk in on and draw conclusions. Nothing she said seemed to clarify or explain what happened and it frustrated her just as much because she couldn't remember a thing. 

About a month after they broke up she gathered her courage and lots of drinks and knocked on his door wanting to clear things up. They talked but she felt like everything she tried to explain made her seem more in the wrong. She had gotten angry and the yelling had started, after the yelling came the tears almost begging him to take her back. Clarke had kissed him in the middle of it wrapping her arms around his neck. when he stopped trying to get away she let him take her to the bedroom. It had been rough and hurried and filled with emotion that neither of them could place but it had been with Bellamy nonetheless. It had been the two of them again. Things could only go up from there she imagined.

Bellamy had held her for a while before he got up and started getting dressed throwing her clothes her way. "Can we go for drinks tonight or tomorrow? Tomorrow is fine too."

He pulled the t-shirt over his head and looked at her. "We have nothing left to discuss, Clarke."

"So," tears filled her eyes as she swallowed thickly before finding his eyes again. "this is it?" he was not about to throw her out after they had slept together. Was he?

Moving to the door and holding it open for her as she finished dressing was enough of an answer for her. "God, you're an asshole Blake."

"Nothing I haven't heard before, princess." 

Clarke brushed away a lone tear before it could drop to far and nodded. "Goodnight Bellamy."

 


	2. 2

As soon as the cold night air hits Clarke her stomach turns over causing her to run towards the container at the end of the lounge. Everything seems to dance before her eyes and taking controlled deep breaths wasn't helping. "Great Clarke, why not puke your guts out outside your best friends wedding?" she sighs and crouches down to regain some control of her body. 

The sudden noise of a car pulling up violently and people getting out has her looking up. A sinking feeling in her chest appears when 3 familiar faces walk into the dim light and near the container. Emmet Hill, Jackson Coleman and Dax Williams. Seeing as none of them were on good terms with anyone at this celebration alarm bells start to go off in Clarkes head. A rage settles inside of her at the sight of the tall man that caused the rift between Bellamy and her. In the night setting his dark blue eyes almost seemed black, undoubtedly matching his soul. They had all been friends once but after they came back from their deployment things changed. His genuine smile had been forsaken for a forced grin that conveyed no good intentions. He kept up appearances around the guys, as if Bell and Miller still stood as brothers to them but an underlying message was always shining through his actions. It's why Clarke had gotten careful around him, it's why she knew that of all the men in the world, the one she feared would not be her first choice to screw. She'd had blackouts before, in college Clarke had been pretty into the whole 'college experience' and alcohol had always been a silent enemy because she never felt anything until it was too late. However that time she had her friends to look out for her, Raven, Harper, Octavia... they would never lose sight of her and when the roles were reversed Clarke did the same for them.  

This blackout however was not alcohol related. No amount of alcohol would get her to sleep with anyone besides Bellamy. She takes out her phone ready to call Bellamy but decides against it and opens a recording app, shoving the phone into the inside pocket of her vest with the mic open she listens on.

"Seems like a full house still... you said most of them would be gone by now." Jackson said while looking around the empty parking lot nervously. 

"I assumed, look the targets are clear... Emmett takes care of the fire alarm, everyone but the core group will leave and you will have a clear shot at them," they nod at Dax' instructions as he drops a heavy bag on the ground between them. "Pick your poison." Dax smirks as he opens the zipper. As quietly as possible Clarke sits up and leans on the container to get a better look. Her heart sank. Military weapons. As she is trying to slip away without revealing her hideout balance is lost and the container slams shut with a loud blow. 

Her eyes close in defeat as she can't think of a way to get out of this situation, she leaves her crouched position holding her hands in the air and stepping from behind the container. "It's just me," she says quietly looking at the men before her. She can't say that having 3 rifles pointed at her compares to any other fear she's had before. 

"Clarke Griffin." Emmett sucks in a breath and lowers his weapon. "playing hide and seek?" Jackson adds. 

Clarke shakes her head not really taking her eyes from Dax who still has his weapon pointed at her. "I got sick," pointing her head towards the container, hoping they'd get her draft. "maybe it's a good thing I did," slowly lowering her arms she crosses her arm over her chest. "Dax," she shakes her head in disbelief. "Whatever you think you're doing...it's not worth it. Okay?"

Dax tilts his head and blue eyes follow her every move calculated, widening with humor as she takes a step closer to them. "Please! Turn around... these people inside, they're not your enemy, I know that what you guys have been through out there... it was brutal. I understan-"

"You understand?" he interrupts her, crouching down to take out a knife and shove it in a small pouch on his pants. "I-I don't but I know that Bellamy- he struggles with some of his demons too. It's normal to have worries after having seen the things that you guys see, to have anger or fear..."

He sighs and makes eye contact with Jackson, before she can even try to comprehend what that meant, she's in an airtight grip, Jackson holding her up and dragging her closer to the others. Clarkes breathing picks up and her lip trembles with more than fear. Powerlessness. Hell would freeze over before she let them hurt the people she cared about in there. 

"Look Dax, what happened 2 months ago, we're over it, okay? If this is what that's about.. I don't know what happened but Bellamy and I.. we'll figure it out okay?"

"I used to always know when you were lying Clarke, that hasn't changed." Shaking her head she whispers "No, please,"

"You do not want to hurt me Dax!" she yelled, hoping to reach anyone out there. The back of his hand connects with the side of her jaw as Jackson steadies himself holding her up as she goes limp for a second. Dax shakes his hand softly before gripping her chin and looking at her almost tenderly. "You're right... I don't want to hurt you, other things maybe," he chuckles while looking at his friends. "But what exactly is the choice you're giving me here?"

Breathing through the throbbing pain she eyes him with repulsion. "I want the truth... I would never sleep with you," it's a statement but everyone can hear the question in it. 

"I wanted to hurt him where it would sting the most." She nods. "So you pretended to have slept with me, I figured that but I never understood how-"

"I drugged you, took of our clothes and the rest was just a waiting game." He said it so easily as if talking about going grocery shopping. 

"N-nothing happened? You didn't r- you didn't..." she pleads him with her eyes, knowing the truth now more than ever would change things. 

He has the audacity to look ashamed for a second before shaking his head with a cold smile. "Tempting... but I prefer my women willing, blondie." a breath Clarke didn't know she was holding in escapes. 

"Dax we're losing our window it's now or never." Jackson mentions. He softens his grip on Clarke and  puts her on her feet before shoving her on her knees, looking up at Dax and waiting for orders.

"Why?" she whispers. "Miller and Bellamy you guys were friends, top of your SWAT teams, this is not right," She had never been one to ask too many questions about what went on during the missions Bellamy and Miller went on. She knew that it was not something easily talked about and opening old wounds would only slow down any healing process that they were going through. However she was convinced that they knew that she was there for them in case they needed it. So were Raven, Octavia, Monty, Harper and Murphy.

"What's not right is them abandoning a friend in battle." 

"Oh God," she looked around to the three of them. It's true that there had been a sixth man to their team. Matthew Williams. Dax' half brother.

Tears burned in Clarkes eyes as she realized how dire the situation had become, how could she talk them out of taking revenge for a fallen fellow soldier, a brother nonetheless. "Matthew- from what I heard he ran back into that building to give you guys an advantage to save that man... in my eyes he's a hero, Dax."

"In the eyes of the nation he's a deserter," Dax adds emotions void of is face. "He did the fucking right thing. He died for his country. For the ones in need... and they call him a deserter,"

Matthew hadn't followed the orders given and while his intentions were admirable, the military saw it differently. Honor was taken away from him and it had been wrong. 

"I'm sorry about that. Bellamy- he told me about that, I can't begin to understand how unfair that must have been-" salty drops run down her face.

"If only your boyfriend-" Dax laughs coldly. "If only he would've had the balls to help, to do the right thing!"

"No one is at fault in that situation Dax... no one could have foreseen the outcome and no one wanted it to be that way. They lost him too. You think Bell and Miller didn't mourn Matt?" She grounds out in raw emotion.

Emmett took her by the throat and slammed her down to the cold ground, effectively tightening her airway. "That's enough," when he let go of her she scrambled to her knees and throws up violently leaving her cold and nauseous. 

Loading the guns and throwing a bag over his shoulder Dax clearly seems done with the conversation. She had to do something and before any hesitations could occur she swiped her leg underneath him successfully landing him on his back before turning around to the two others, being SWAT they got over their surprise quickly and came towards her. She was quick to duck in between grabbing their belts and knocking their heads somewhat together. During her relationship with Bellamy she had learned the value of self defense. It wouldn't hold long in the face of a battle against trained soldiers but her element of surprise gave her a time window that was necessary to warn her friends.

So Clarke ran.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I know there's still alot of errors mostly in my use of time but I'll reread and correct asap. next chapter up soon


	3. 3

Clarke reached her car on the other side of the lounge and got in the backseat laying down and using the cover of the tinted back windows. Taking out her phone from the small pocket inside her jacket she presses stop on the recording app praying to god that it got anything useful on there before sending it to the first three contacts that come up in her recent list. Murphy, Octavia and Bellamy. Willing her heart to calm down the closes her eyes and whispers to herself. "Deep breaths Clarke. In." she holds in for a second before breathing out. "And out."

Quickly taking a peek outside she sees absolutely nothing other than the outlines of other parked cars. Her window was getting smaller so she dialed 911 and felt her heart skip a beat when a voice finally answered. "911 how may I help you?"

"My name is Clarke- Clarke Griffin. I'm at a wedding celebration at the Arkedia lounge near the harbour. I need you to sent the cops," her voice wasn't as strong as she wanted it to be and her frustration and fear were getting the best of her. "Please there's three men here trying to shoot the place up. They have military weapons!"

"Ma'am I need you to take a deep breath, I'm sending my available units to your location. Now please can you tell me what weapons they are using? How many people are at this party,"

Clarke seemed to have a black out and shook her head to clear her mind. "Uh- Uhm I saw rifles. Some knifes too... I don't know what else I couldn't stay there long enough to know." she chokes feeling her emotions getting the overhand. "That's fine ma'am, you said your name was Clarke? Correct?"

She nods but realizes that the woman won't be able to see that. "Yes, Clarke Griffin."

"Okay Clarke, thank you for all the information. Help is on the way try to stay with me and give me as much information as possible so that our policemen can better calculate the circumstances okay?"

"Okay." tears drip down her cheek on her jacket and dress as she looks up at the window again only to see Jackson standing there with a cold smile and a gun pointed at her face.

"Oh God, they found me please you- you need to tell them to hurry up. Dax Williams, Emmett Hill and Jackson Coleman. Get them to hurry the fuck u-" The car window next to her shatters with a loud blow and before she can do anything he opens the car from the inside dragging her to the concrete, once again setting her on her knees before Dax. 

"You've got some serious balls blondie," Dax sighs deeply as if contemplating how to deal with this. "I'll do anything to keep you from shooting up that place. It's a wedding for God's sake, you like Octavia!" 

Dax slaps her again putting more force into this one, the taste of blood fills her mouth. "Killing us won't bring him back!" she spits

"You're right," he stares at me tilting his head. "maybe I should just kill you, you are after all the glue in that group."

Locking her jaw and reigning in her fear she blinks away the tears in her eyes. "You are sick. You need help, all three of you."

The three of them lock eyes silently agreeing on something. Clarke moans in pain as Emmett drags her back to her feet by her hair before the world turns black.

Clare must have lost consciousness for a while because when she opens her eyes next she's alone in a storage room, her hands tied together with zip ties. 

Panic paralyzes her for a second before she is able to calm herself down. "Help is on the way, Clarke. All you need to do is cause a delay in their actions."

Looking around for anything to cut the zip tie with is useless. Something tugs at her mind, a memory, Bellamy had once taught her several techniques to get out of a hostage situation. She just needed to remember the zip tie part.

An alarm goes off and Clarke almost screams at the intense sense of dread. "Think! Come on!" she tries breaking the zip tie with her foot but is doesn't move an inch. 

 _"In case of a zip tie you tighten your fists together and bring them down, slamming them against your stomach causing them to break at the sudden force."_  Bellamy's instructions fill Clarkes mind. 

It took her four painful tries to snap the tie and almost immediately after, she was vomiting in the corner of the room. Using a fire extinguisher to smash the door handle proved easier than expected and then carrying the extinguisher with her, her legs carried her towards the lounge center as quickly as they could.

She walked straight into a crowd trying to leave the building, probably because of the fire alarm going off. Closing in on the room her footsteps became softer not wanting to draw unwanted attention and hoping to get the element of surprise once again. 

Opening a door to her right seemed like the right choice because it gave her a view of the entire room. Her heart dropped when she sees Miller laying on is back, blood pooling around him. "Oh god," she whispers to herself. Crouching down proves a painful experience but it would hide her from the others while she thought of a way to turn this around. 

The police should be here really soon but Clarke couldn't take the risk of waiting another 5 minutes. Not if those 5 minutes could save Miller. Not if those 5 minutes prevented the death of anyone else. 

All of them sat on their knees hands in the air. Octavia, Lincoln, Murphy, Bellamy and two of Lincolns friends. Dax pacing in front of them clearly not as calm as he was back outside. Was he starting to regret his actions? There was no way back for him now... he is a man with nothing left to loose and those are the most dangerous ones. 

"Please! Please let us get him to a hospital!" Octavia pleaded violently, Where she expected to see fear all Clarke saw was anger and worry. Not that it mattered but it made Clarke proud. O had always been pretty bad ass. "O," Bellamy's tone was a warning. Urging his sister to show control. Clarkes eyes widened, Bellamy's face had blood all over it.

"All of you deserve this. You deserve this!" Dax screams. 

Wanting to find something to help, Clarke looks around noticing Jackson on the second floor watching down at the scene before him from behind the one way glass. Rifle in hand. 

It is as if all the muscles in her body are protesting her movements, she breathes through it running to the stairs and softly nearing the place she saw Jackson at. Meanwhile she kept an eye out for Emmett who'd been IMA long enough to make her uncomfortable walking around the building. 

He was still in the same position as before paying close attention to the conversation downstairs. Clarke was able to shuffle unnoticed behind a pillar next to him.

"Someone will have called the police, you need to stop this." Bellamy's voice carried through the room. She could tell that he was assessing the risks and evaluating Dax' sanity. 

"-Ah yeah, Clarke beat them to it." The rooms falls silent and her breath hitches. "Clarke left half an hour ago," Octavia says with tears in her eyes.

Dax laughed. "She did, we caught her puking her guts out behind a container," Clarkes eyes narrow in annoyance. "She's a fighter that one," he chuckles.

Murphy inches closer towards Miller. "Come on, man he needs medical help. Now!" the end of the rifle hits him in the face knocking him to the ground. 

Where are the freaking cops? Clarkes hand can't shake the tremor. She wants to be patient and wait out the right moment but how can she know when exactly that is? 

"I should probably also come clean to you as I did to her," Clarkes attention peaked. "Blondie never really trusted me, she was probably the only one seeing me struggle after we came back. I knew when you were out with Miller on these so called hunting trips," he caresses the rifle as if telling a campfire story. "I wanted to hurt you where it would hurt the most. I caught her alone, I drugged and undressed the both of us- the rest is history."

"You sick son of a bitch, do you have a-" Octavia piped up yelling in anger lowering her hands and balling her fists beside her. 

"Hands in the air, beautiful." Dax' rifle is pointed at Octavia and all of them seem to tense, so does Clarke. 

"Where is she?" Bellamy doesn't even look at Dax. Even from up here Clarke could see him tighten as if ready to attack. "Alive," Dax answers. 

The gravity seems to lift as sirenes can be heard outside of the lounge. Everything seems to happen at once when she sees Jackson tense and point the gun Clarke runs from her position throwing her entire body weight into the man as the gun goes off. Alarmed Dax looks behind him making the big mistake of turning is back to the others. Murphy leaps up hitting him with all his power, knocking him to the ground. This gives Bellamy the chance to get hold of the rifle before knocking Dax out. Bellamy looks up at her in relief which changes quickly right before Clarke is thrown back against the wall. Something inside her seems to break as she lets herself slowly sink to the ground, licking her dry lips and looking up at Jackson. "It's over now," she can hear doors being slammed open and shouts surrounding them. "I've got one more kill in me," he groans. 

He lifts her up pushing the rifle into her neck, successfully blocking her airway and keeping her feet from touching the ground and finding support there. In a desperate effort she uses his force on her throat to lift and brace her feet against the wall before swinging forwards causing Jackson to lose his balance and falling backwards into the glass balustrade. 

"Not today, you don't," she whispers hoarsely and holds up her hands as police officers approach her. "I'm Clarke- I'm the one who called."

All she wanted now was sleep.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> Sorry for any mistakes I will try to get them out asap and as before you are welcome to leave kudos and comment because I love reading the reactions and theories :) 
> 
> next chapter up soon!


	4. 4

The hospital allowed the police to interview everyone in one of conference rooms seeing as none of them were willing to stray to far from Miller or Clarke. Both of them had been admitted to the hospital while the others were treated for mild injuries. Bellamy had been irritated when they insisted on treating his head wound and ribs before allowing them to see their friends and when they were finished treating him he immediately made his way down the hall to ask for more information on Clarke and Miller. Information that no one seemed to be able to give him. Octavia noticed his clenched fists and blinks away a tear before grabbing on of his fists into both her hands softly peeling his fingers loose. "She's going to be okay, big brother," she whispered catching his glance at the closed door at the end of the hall way. "I mean- it's Clarke. What she did tonight was nothing short of heroic- and once she's healed... we'll hold her and we'll never let go." Octavia softly grabs his chin urging him to look at her again. "Do-do I even deserve that?" Bellamy's eyes filled with self loathing. "If I had been man enough to- I should have know, O. I should have trusted  _her_ over that asshole." Bellamy clenches his fist again willing the anger to be useful for something but as much as he wanted to use the years of training to take matters into his own hands. He couldn't leave here. He couldn't leave  _her_ or Miller. 

Octavia, Lincoln, Murphy and Bellamy looked up as three policemen invited them to join them as they were about to start their interviews. Bellamy hesitantly left his spot near the door, giving up his view of the hallway. "I am aware that the last thing you want to do right now is sit here and talk about everything while your friends are out there being treated for their injuries." the man had introduced himself as agent McConnor, he was tall, his eyes stood kind and worried. He looked around the group and sighed, these kids were about the age of his daughters. They shouldn't be going through this. He sighs taking out his laptop and handing it to a younger looking agent, wearing glasses and hiding his hazel curls under a hat.

"What can we do to help?" Murphy piped up looking determined to do whatever he needed to do to make sure that these bastards paid for the total devastation they left. 

agent McConnor nodded and took out a folder throwing it down on the table before looking up. "Around 2 am our team received a emergency call from the young lady that goes by the name of Griffin Clarke," he looks around. "Who is this girl to you?"

Octavia swallowed before speaking up. "Clarke- Clarke is my best friend. Our best friend." she wanted to say more but one look at Bellamy's still shaken stance stopped her. 

McConnor followed her glance to the curly haired young man and straightened. "If we all had friends like her-," he shakes his head in disbelief. "to my knowledge she caught the three of them driving up, lights dimmed. She was able to almost immediate take out her phone and start recording the conversation. Thanks to Mr Murphy we are also in the possession of this fragment." Bellamy looked over his shoulder seeing Murphy also clearly frustrated at the entire situation. 

They had discovered the messages that Clarke had left them when Octavia had started calling around to inform the parents of those involved. He hadn't dared to listen to it yet, afraid of what the message would reveal. He wouldn't be able to restrain himself if he would hear them hurting her. 

"Without going into much detail," McConnor started with a look at Bellamy and then looking to the others. "it confirms that the three men confirmed to be Emmet Hill, Jackson Coleman and Dax Williams were responsible for the attack at your wedding celebrations," his eyes find Octavia who almost seemed to have forgotten the day before everything went down. "However, she seemed to be discovered when trying to leave the scene. What follows is an attempt from her to resolve the situation with no avail sadly enough."

"Now son," he addresses Bellamy sternly. "I assume that your familiar with restraint in your line of duty but I do suggest you listen to this recording when your emotions are stable." Everybody looks averts their eyes, Bellamy looks down nodding knowing what that means. 

Octavia has turned her head towards Lincolns chest, non-stop shaking her head at the mess that today has become.

"For a more detailed information we'll have to wait for Ms Griffin to wake up." he stated, opening the folder and reading quickly, skimming over the pages. 

"Now we have both Mr Coleman and Mr Williams in custody, the last culprit," he pauzes to read the file. "Emmet Hill, he is still on the loose but I've got every available unit on this case. Gave it an high alert just in case." 

A beautiful woman walks in after a knock disturbs the conversation. Her red firy hair is tucked into a neat bun. Bellamy notices that she looks tired yet a professional hesitant smile appears on her face. "I'm here to inquire to the family members of Ms Griffin and Nathan Miller?" 

Alarmed all of them stand straighter and leaning in to listen. "Is something wrong?" Bellamy asks, desperation filling his voice. 

The doctor introduces herself as doctor Dean nods. "Nathan seems to be out of the woods, one cm to the left and the bullet would have been lodged into his spine. He was quite lucky to be honest." she answers honestly. A collective sigh of relief fills the room as Octavia steps closer. "What about Clarke? Is she alright?"

She nods taking a deep breath. "Ms Griffin suffered a minor concussion, 2 broken ribs and a bit of internal bleeding. She'll be alright but needs rest for the next weeks."

"Mr Blake do you mind stepping out with me for a second?" His heart seems to tighten causing his head to tingle but he followed anyway. "You and Ms Griffin are partners, correct?" she wonders out loud, softly guiding Bellamy into an office room a bit further. He nods not willing to deny that all the while keeping his eyes on the file in her hand. 

Dread filled his entire body when she sat down across from him. "As I said before- Ms Griffin suffers from internal bleeding that we can't do anything about at this point."

"Mr Blake- I have stumbled across some information that I feel is my duty to share with you." 

Bellamy's worries stiffen his entire body. "Were you aware that Ms Griffin is pregnant?" the doctor offers quietly, searching for the answer in his dark brown eyes. Eyes that widen as his mind registers the new information. It's enough to tell her the answer. "Mr Blake, We did everything we could, her internal bleeding made it impossible to get a clear view of the fetus."

As if all sounds fade away Bellamy takes a step back looking at the woman with wild eyes. He starts shaking his head taking jerky breaths through the panic that settles in. "I- Clarke is pregnant?"

 "Mr Blake- it pains me so much to say that the possibility of Clarke losing the baby in the next couple of hours is very factual. My team and I- we believe that in this case, due to the trauma her body has endured the survival of the baby is next to impossible. All the current information points to a miscarriage."

Bellamy's breathing intensifies, his shoulders rise and fall erratically. "No- you must be mistaken." his voice is thick with emotions and tears are filling his sight. 

"We suspect her to have been around 14 weeks in," she stands up approaching him and laying a hand on his shoulder, squeezing to give some sort of comfort. "It is very possible that Clarke wasn't aware of this herself. Every woman is different."

As his vision blurs, Bellamy reaches for the door handle, his hand trembles with so many emotions that he's not sure where to place. Anger rages inside him. When he storms out of the room Octavia is quick to follow him down to the exit of the hospital. 

"Bell!" Octavia reaches him as he is hunched down taking support in the solid wall before he gives himself over to the pain and breaks down in front of her. Octavia's heart tugged; "What's going on Bell?"

Bellamy releases a choked up sound, relentlessly punching the wall wanting to punish himself for failing himself. For failing Clarke and- and for failing their unborn child. 

"Bellamy. Please." She sits down on her knees and grabs his head pulling his tall frame into her as he wobbles on his knees. 

"She- she was having a baby, O." Octavia's eyes widen in disbelief, a feeling of helplessness sinks in. "They think it's not going to make it, with all the bleeding and-and..."

crippled by anger and pain Bellamy snorts. What right did he have to mourn this baby? He had been absent for it's entire growth uptil now. 

"Oh god," the whisper escapes her lips and she shakes her head. "Bell- I don't think she was aware of that. She would have told me."

Bellamy shakes his head, tears rolling down his face. "What do I do, O?"

"You have to be there for her her Bellamy. No excuses. No questions asked." Octavia instructs. "I can't do that- the second she wakes up I lose her." he says softly.

"Why don't you let Clarke make those decisions for herself?," she defies crossing her arms over her chest. "What you need to do is be there for her, she's going to need you there."

His sister was right, Bellamy stood up, wiping his bloodied knuckles on his dirty shirt and walked towards the room at the end off the hallway. It's unrealistic seeing his Clarke laying in that bed. Motionless and quiet. He takes one look over his shoulder, seeing Octavia talking to Lincoln and Murphy before he closes the door. Bellamy goes to stand next to the bed, wiping the sweat from Clarke's face, her eyes still closed. He takes Clarke's hand softly before sitting down next to her. He had never been a religious man. Always thought that the strength you created yourself was all the strength you needed. But now- for his child- for Clarke he would try anything. So he prayed.

Once again letting the tears roll he leans forward pressing a kiss to Clarke's stomach. "Forgive me." he whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for reading!
> 
> please leave a kudo or/and reaction because I love the feedback :) 
> 
>  
> 
> x


	5. 5

Once again Bellamy's eyes find her face. He squeezes the face cloth and softly touches it around the wound, cleaning the blood from her hairline. The bruises had started forming around her temple and right eye, her split lip had formed a crust and he didn’t even want to think about the discolorations near her ribs and stomach. He thought about what the police officer had said, she had single-handedly delayed and sabotaged Dax’ plan and ruined his advantage on the entire situation. She also provided the much-needed proof by audiotaping the situation and calling the police as quickly as she did. So how was it fair that she was the one to lose the most out of this fiasco? Bellamy’s anger surfaced just a second before Clarke’s hand stirred in his. He drops the cloth and sits up straight paying attention to her moving eyelids as a frown appears on her face. “Clarke,” he calls out softly not wanting to waken her up abruptly. “you can wake up, I’m here.” He presses the button alarming the nurses. The grip on his hand weakens again so he takes his other hand and caresses her face. “Clarke.” Clarke’s eyes open, blinking rapidly and settling on his face with confusion. At that moment doctor Dean arrives taking note of the information on the small screen next to Clarke’s bed and smiling down at her. “Good evening Clarke, you are in the St. Jude Medical Centre and I am doctor Dean,”

Understanding dawns on Clarke’s face, she licks her lips wincing at the feel of her entire body. “The wedding- is everyone okay?” it’s more of a whisper but she can’t bring herself to put more power behind her voice at the moment. She looks up at Bellamy with a worried look making him laugh in disbelief. “You’re the one in the hospital bed and you’re worried about everyone else but yourself.” The sound of his voice seemed warbled and dulled, as he were speaking to her through a bottle. She sighs throwing him a pleading look. “Bellamy.” He nods giving her a small bear. “O and Lincoln got you this.” Then he points to the balloon saying, ‘Please don’t die: it would be really inconvenient.’ in the corner of the room. “That one is from Murphy.”

She chuckles before hissing in discomfort at the movement. Grabbing Bellamy’s hand and slowly breathing shallowly through the pain. “How are you feeling, Clarke?”

Clarke looks at doctor Dean, the woman sports a kind grin knowing that she had been forgotten by the two. “Like I got thrown into a wall a couple of times…I-I feel okay.” She waits for an explanation. “You have a minor concussion; two broken ribs and you’ve suffered some internal bleeding. It will take weeks of rest but physically you will be just fine.” Relieve floods her mind and as soon as her mouth opens the doctor interrupts softly. “Your friend Miller is going to be alright too. He was very lucky, but he too will heal. From what I understand you have saved a lot of lives last weekend.”

“What about Dax, Jackson and Emmett?”

“Dax and Jackson were arrested, Emmett’s still on the loose but they are going to find him.” Bellamy says a sour look on his face. And for the first time Clarke really pays attention to it. He looks to be really roughened up aswel. Stitches near his left brow and scrapes on his temple and chin caught most of the attention. “Your face,” her hand raises to touch him, but she decides against it lowering it awkwardly still not really knowing how things were between them now. “I’m glad everyone is okay.” She whispers with a hesitant smile. “Is it possible to get something for the pain? My lower back is actually driving me insane right now.” A look is shared between doctor Dean and Bellamy but she wasn’t about to question it when her mind was heavily set on fighting the stinging pain of her ribs and abdomen and the dull ache all over the rest of her body.

After the doctor had increased the amount of pain-relieve dosage she was receiving, they were left alone. Clarke eyed him suspiciously taking note of his suffering in silence mood. She bit her lip. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she looks over his shoulder to the door as if someone is going to appear.

Bellamy swallowed thickly standing at the far end of the bed. His eyes clearly held sadness and pain.

“If it hadn’t been for you this weekend could have ended on an entire different note and I am forever thankful for your quick thinking and bravery. You saved us. You brought yourselves in harms way to do so and I am so sorry that you were put in a position where you were alone against those maniacs.”

Fury clutched at her at the thought of the three men who had ruined what was supposed to be a happy wedding celebration. Who had threatened the people she considers family.

“I did what needed to be done to expand the time window. I’m just glad that everyone is okay.” Noticing her struggle against a dry throat he offers her a glass of water with a straw.

“I know that whatever apology I will conjure up will never be enough to say just how wrong and how sorry I am, Clarke. I got so lost in myself over the facts that I walked in on and my mule head stubbornness wouldn’t let me think further. The way I treated you these last months- it’s shown me a side of myself that I’m not proud of and I’d totally understand if you can’t be with me.”

Clarke wasn’t sure where her life was going to go from here. She knows however that the world had finally made things right again and although she agreed that the way things went down between them was less than desirable, this was still Bellamy. She loved him.

“-But I am selfish enough to not want to let you go. I know that despite my behaviour you still care and if you can care than I’m hoping to one day earn your love and trust again.”

“Why didn’t you… believe me?” she wonders out loud, swinging the glass around before taking a sip.

“In a way I never believed that I was deserving of you. When we met you everything in our life was in ruins, mom had just died and me losing O to child services- life never seemed to give us a break. I never fought as hard as I did to get that guardian role once I turned 18. And for every win or fall along the way you were there: caring, helping, suffering along with us. These last 3 years have been nothing short of amazing. Deployment was a brute awakening from that dream-like state and I felt like wasn’t the same man I was before. I think the seeds of doubt were really with me all along, only the doubt was for myself and somehow, I reflected that to us. Which was the biggest mistake of all.”

“I think the reason I never faltered in my decision to not give up was because I know you, Bellamy. I know you heart and this set back however big and painful. It’s not going to be the end of us. I won’t let it be.”

"Clarke, I need you to also know that you can talk to me again. I will listen to whatever you need to get of your chest." Bellamy walks to her side taking a seat and taking her hands in his. Squeezing in support.

She scrunches up her forehead looking him in the eyes. "I know." She smiles up at him.

He nods solemnly, without saying more he pushes the alarm button to summon doctor Dean.

"I love you Clarke a-and there's something you need to know."

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!   
> Will come back to fix spelling mistakes asap.


	6. 6

She can feel her heart beat almost violently against her chest because for the last minute she has seen Bellamy's mouth open numerous of times before he seemed to halt himself to reform the words he wanted to say. Something was seriously eating at him and her mind slips to the darkest of gutters. Every human thinks about their mortality once in a while don't they? Did they discover some type of fatal illness while she was in treatment? Mentally shaking her head at that thought... no, the doctor clearly said that she would get through this with a couple of week's rest. So what has him on edge like this?

"Bellamy, you're scaring me." she says, taking a hold of his chin and evening their gazes towards each other. "What do you need to tell me?" her throat itches making the words hoarse and rougher than she intended.

  
"When you were in treatment, they stumbled on something." He whispers looking down to my stomach before looking up again.  
"Tests showed you were pregnant Clarke, they- they fear that the last days caused too much trauma to be good for the fetus though"

  
She lets the words and their meaning sink in as a cold feeling comes over her. It's Clarke's turn be in need of words she can't form. Her mind grasps at memories of the last few weeks to recognize any signs of pregnancy. Nausea. Cramps. Heightened emotions. Vomiting. She had figured them to be the harmless effects of her going through heartbreak and trying to sometimes flush the awful feeling away with alcohol. But the signs were clearly there and she hadn't thought twice about another meaning.

  
The door to her room opens, she shifts in the bed wanting to sit up straight as doctor Dean enters assessing the situation. One look on Clarke's distraught appearance is confirmation enough. "I assume that Mr Blake explained some things to you...Clarke, I'm here to answer any questions you might have." She's smart enough to not look at Clarke in pity but with determination to support. Clarke's thankful for that. Only when Bellamy's rough thumb wipes away a lost tear does she realize that she's crying.

"A-am I too late? Is there anything that can be done?" her whisper is just loud enough to be heard by Bellamy and the doctor.  
"I'm very sorry, Clarke." Doctor Dean lowers her gaze to her notes. "we expect you to have been around 14 weeks in." Clarke's eyes looked for Bellamy, he clearly had been told this news before but she could still see the pained expression. 

"Oh god..." sobs shake her body only adding to the pain of her already broken ribs and bruised body. Bellamy moved closer to her taking her left hand into his and pulling it into his chest trying to be as close as possible. "Clarke, please look at me." she shook her head, feeling light headed and hollow. "I need to see your face, let me take a look at you please." a tear rolled down his cheek as the doctor gave him a nod before leaving the room to let the young couple talk and mourn their loss in private. 

"I am sorry." Clarke's voice carries a heavy feeling and soft sobs rake through her as she tries to keep the moving to a minimum. 

Bellamy's jaw tightened. "No, I'm not letting you do this."

Clarke withdraws her hand from his hold and takes shaky breaths. "This  _is_ my fault! Three freaking months and I failed to see the symptoms and connect the dots. I was busy fleeing into the alcohol, ruining my life with my weakness and endangering the one growing inside me at the same time."

The events of the weekend seem to come crashing down in waves inside her head. The alcohol. Being slammed into the ground multiple times. Being thrown into a wall. Continuously slamming down her own fists to break out of the damn zip ties. All things she would have handled differently if she had known. All things they would have discovered together if he had only given her a proper chance at explaining. 

Bellamy shakes his head at her. "I-I will never forgive myself for encouraging that phase with my cold actions towards you." his hand drifts off to her stomach, touching it so gently that she's not sure if she can actually feel it or if she's imagining it. "Tell me what I can do to help you today, tell me what will ease your suffering a bit."

The loud sobs had eased into a barely audible series of shaky breaths as her watery eyes look everywhere but at him. 

"I would like to be alone, please." He can feel her shutting him out and it's the single most scary feeling he has ever felt. Letting her go free in this situation would surely only do more harm and he refused to let her alone is in this. He had done that more than enough the last couple of months. "I can't do that," he groans miserable. "I want to be alone, Bellamy."

"I'm not leaving, Clarke. I've been absent and blind to your suffering long enough. And I know that I have no right to be demanding anything right now but if our child dies today then I'll do right by it's mother because it's the best I can do right now." he grabs a hold of both of her hands this time and carefully pulls her into his leaned in embrace over the bed. "My mom used to say that grief is just all the love you want to give but can't. Grief is love with no place to go." a lump forms in his throat at her words. "I don't know if this is like that because I had no idea that there was someone else, a baby, out there craving that love from me...and now I'll never get that chance."

"So we don't grieve, we love. We love for the rest of our lives because that's how we'll do right by this child." Bellamy leans in to place a soft kiss on her forehead, lingering just a bit longer than needed. 

He leans back and looks into her eyes, she shies away from his gaze. "It's going to take a while for everybody to get over this last weekend. But thanks to you we _will_ get over it eventually. Thanks to you my sister, our friends, they live. And together we will be okay in the end, and if it's not okay, it's not the end."

Defeated but realizing he's right she allows her body to somewhat relax into the bed again. "Please, hold me, please." she whispers.

Surprised Bellamy halt for a moment, shivering at the feel of her hand quivering in his. Clarke allows him to fill the room next to her on the bed as he embraces her firmly and lovingly as the dull, menstruation like aches slowly rock out their purpose. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading  
> I'll come back to reread and fix spelling mistakes later :)
> 
> also please don't hesitate to leave feedback or kudos bc I love it hehe


	7. 7

Bellamy closes the door behind him and walks towards the meeting room. He had lost track of time after watching Clarke having trouble falling asleep. He was relieved when she allowed him to hold her because at the moment he didn’t know what else he could do for her. It was currently 4 pm in the afternoon and he had no idea who’d still be here but knowing his friends, knowing his sister they would never be far away. And he proves to be right as he opens the door being immediately greeted by everyone. He sees that Raven has joined the group, she was supposed to be in Washington, working some big NASA project and yet she was here. He smiles gratefully at her.

He holds up his hands to halt the stream of questions as he gestures for everyone to sit down as he grabs a cup of coffee. “How is she doing Bellamy?” it’s Lincoln that asks, worry written all over his face. Bellamy looks at his sister trying to discover what she had revealed to the others, Octavia shakes her head in denial. He pouts his lips and nods finding the courage to share the hell that he has been living in for the last few days.

“There’s something I have to tell you guys,” he sees everyone stiffening, Murphy balls his fists as if preparing for a blow. Octavia lowers her gaze while everyone else awaits his words. “Physically Clarke will be fine, her ribs will heal, the bleeding will be controlled and her concussion will go away with lots of rest….-but Clarke. She was-“

He takes a deep breath steadying his breathing. “Clarke was pregnant.”

“What?” it’s Raven that breaks the short silence after his declaration.

Lincoln, Murphy, Raven and Octavia all look absolutely heartbroken.

“Did you know about this?” Lincoln looks down to Octavia who’s leaned against his chest. She shakes her head as tears leak down. “I don’t think Clarke even knew.” She states her voice thick with emotions, her gaze never wavering from her brother, who nods. “She didn’t.”

Murphy sighs. “She lost the baby?” his eyes scan his friend anxiously. Bellamy nods.

“There was nothing we could do, it’s where the stomach aches and internal bleedings came from. Doc’ says she was around 14 weeks in which was still pretty early, so she hadn’t discovered it yet.”

For a while no one seems to know what to say, what in the world could possibly make this situation better?

“How is this fair?” Bellamy mutters suddenly. “How does she manage to save everyone from a dire situation only to get this in return? How do these assholes get to live to see another day, while I get to hold the mother of my child as she’s losing it?”

Raven blinks away a tear and stands up. “It’s not. It’s not fair. I am so so sorry Bellamy.”

He shakes his head. “And to top it of she blames herself for not knowing, for allowing that much stress on her body, for drinking away the hurt that I had caused her.”

“Is she sleeping right now?” Octavia looks up at her brother, squeezing his hand. He nods.

A knock on the door disturbs the group. “Your friend Miller is no longer critical, you are very welcome to go see him although I very much urge you to do so in small pairs.”  nurse, pokes her head behind the door and smiles kindly.

Everyone stands up, leaving the room to go visit Miller, Raven grabs a hold of Bellamy’s hand and drags him somewhat further in the room. “You go,” she say sensing the doubt on whether to go to his friend or Clarke. “I will keep an eye on her and we can switch once you guys have seen Miller, I bet he will enjoy seeing everyone.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, I was in resits for my finals. I will now have more time to write again :)


	8. 8

Miller perks up when he sees Bellamy enter the room. He had only been awake for a little while, but the confusion had soon made room for concern at the memories replaying in his head. Was everyone okay? How did the rest of the attack play out? The nurses hadn’t been much help when he asked them about the situation.

“It’s good to see you up.” Bellamy says, a soft smile playing on his mouth. They exchanged a meaningful glance and Miller sighs. “I’ll manage. Although it’s going to hurt like a bitch for a good while.” He winces when sitting up straighter. “What happened? I-Is everyone alright?”

Bellamy balls his fists by his side and makes sure the door is closed behind him as he moves to his friend’s side before sitting down. For what seems like forever all he does is look down to his hands and seemingly trying to figure out what to say. “We’re okay.”

Miller frowns at his friend. “Bellamy?”

“It’s Clarke,’ Bellamy halts to lick is dry lips. For the first time he noticed the tender feeling all over his face and near his ribs. It was an ache he gladly ignored to take care of the ones that actually needed it. Like Miller and Clarke.

“What about Clarke?” there was a strain to Miller’s tone. They had never ignored the touchy subject. If there was anyone Bellamy could talk to about what had went down in the last couple of months, it was Miller. He knew that both Miller and Murphy had their doubts about the whole situation, which they quite frequently reminded him about, but they also never stopped being his friends. They stood as brothers. Just like they stood as brothers to Clarke.

“Turns out that she ran into those assholes on her way out nearly half an hour before they burst into the festivities. From what I know she encountered them outside Arkedia. Clarke was able to delay them and alarm the police immediately, but they hurt her pretty bad.”

“Wait,” he groans as he tries to take on a more comfortable position. “what do you mean they hurt her?”

He goes on to tell his friend about what the doctor told him, what the police men had told him but dwelling on the one thing that he really wanted to tell his best friend, but he couldn’t bring the words to come of his mouth. Miller notices his stoic stance and calls his name to make him listen. “Bellamy,”

Interrupted in his thoughts, Bellamy shifts in his seat and takes out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans.  “Have you listened to her recording?”

Bellamy shakes his head, mindlessly he plays with his hands as he answers. “I’m afraid of what I’ll do when I hear what happened to her, what I let happen to her.”

“Bellamy, what else is going on. There’s something about you man-“

“Clarke was pregnant.” Miller grows pale, and trembles. He clenches his hands together, and his voice seemed to catch in his throat. “Excuse me?”

Bellamy doesn’t answer for a few moments. “She wasn’t aware of it and never knew that she was fighting for more than one. Some of the things they put her through were enough to cause some serious damage to the foetus. She lost the baby just a while ago, while I held her.”

Dazed with horror, Miller reaches out his hand to grasp his friend’s shoulder. “I am so sorry, man.”

The dark curls fall before Bellamy’s eyes before he swipes them away. “This is my doing too. I was terrible, I was so cruel to her over something that turned out to be one big plot to sabotage us. Octavia told me to just be there for her, I’m just hoping that she’ll accept me. I would understand if she didn’t.”

“I would too.” There was a silence and even the constant noises from the hall seemed to dull. A chuckle escapes the two friends. “Give it time, you’ll get through this together. And they will pay for what they did.” Miller nods in encouragement as someone knocks on the door. Bellamy straightens himself, ready to make room for the next visitor. Hoping that Clarke is still sleeping peacefully with Raven by her side.

He steps backwards with a smile. “Good to see you up again, I’ll check in soon.”

“Go!” Miller rolls his eyes and waves Octavia and Lincoln in as they hesitantly peek behind the door.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for your patience. trying to upload sooner this time but school has been getting the best of me lately. 
> 
> x


	9. 9

It was three days later when it was announced that Clarke was allowed to leave, Bellamy frowns unhappily as the doctor explained the selfcare Clarke would have to maintain while finishing her road to recovery. He had tried to avoid thinking about what that change could possibly mean for them. For these last few days, he had been able to be there for her as much as the doctors allowed him to. Learning about the miscarriage and sharing the news with their friends and family had obviously taken lots of energy out of her. Whenever the subject was approached it had been Bellamy that thanked visitors for their support and kind words. His eyes flashing to Clarke as if he were afraid that the wrong words would cause a breakdown.

“If there are no further questions then I wish you both a lot of courage and I’ll see you for the first check up in 2 weeks, Clarke.” Doctor Dean gives them a friendly smile.

Clarke nods. “Thank you.”

Bellamy gives the doctor a nod, silently thanking her for the moral support and great way she handled their situation. His hands tremble by his side anxious for it to just be the two of them again. He needed to know what the plan moving forward was. He figures that they would go to his house, the house they had lived in together before everything happened but now as they approached the moment that they could leave he started to doubt that. Will she want to go there? Wouldn’t it cause her even more stress, that was the last thing they needed.

As soon as the door closed he spoke up, leaning over the side of the bed. His dark brown eyes staring into hers in determination. “We’ll go by the house, so I can get some essentials and then we’ll go to your apartment.” She frowns. “I imagine that’s where you’ll be most comfortable.” He adds to clear up some of the questions in her mind.

“You’re coming with me?” her voice is just above a whisper as she tries to comprehend what that means. “You don’t need to do that, I don’t want you to do that.” She admits looking down to her lap.

Bellamy takes a deep breath, the familiar tic in his jaw, trying really hard to restrain himself from laying on the bed next to her and pulling her into his form. He wanted to give her the space she so desperately seemed to need but he’ll be damned if he let her out of his grasp ever again. Not now.

“I can see why, Clarke, honestly I do but I’m not going back on my promise and I intend to be here for your recovery. I intend to do anything I can to bring those assholes the justice they have coming, and I do promise to be the guy you trusted with your heart.”

Her frown deepened as she thought about his words.  “Did they find him yet?”

The police haven’t been able to find Jackson yet and it frustrates him to know that even after all this they still had to be careful. This dangerous piece of shit was still roaming around free.

“No, they haven’t but he too will get what’s coming to him.”

Clarke leans back into her pillow and sighs. “I still want to go home alone Bellamy.”

He nods taking her hand into his and squeezing. “I know. All I want is to be there, please let me.”

Bellamy blinks in surprise at the apartment as they enter. He hadn’t ever been here before and seeing how small she was living rubbed him the wrong way. Clarke wasn’t poor, she came from a wealthy family and he assumed she’d pull some strings when he asked her to leave the house 2 months back. Guilt trickled into his mind as he thought to be the cause scaring her into this living arrangement. It wasn’t that the apartment was dirty, it was actually perfect for someone living alone but all of this wouldn’t have been necessary if he had listened to her. If he had believed her.

He’s glad to be of use the very first night as he’s awakened by Clarke’s crying. She had proposed for him to sleep on the couch in the living room, but he assured her that staying on a mattress on the bedroom floor would be just fine. He easily ignored her protests and arrived with a glass of water to her side. Clarke blushed with embarrassment but took the glass. She looks up to his face in the dim light. A flicker of something crossed through Bellamy’s eyes, but it was impossible to decipher. He gently cradled her face and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Thank you.” She mutters quietly, handing back the glass and settling into the many pillows he had placed around her.

He shakes his head slowly, serious as he eyed her. “Don’t thank me. Whatever you need, you hear me?”

“I don’t want to make any illusions here, Bellamy. You and I, we’ve been through so much together.” Her voice is rough, and she looks anywhere but straight into his eyes. “And I’ll forever be yours in some sense…but- but I won’t be the Clarke you know anymore.”

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait & thank you if you're still reading.   
> x

It has been a little over a week since everything went down and it has been difficult for Clarke to fall back into the usual pattern with Bellamy. Although she was extremely grateful for him being there and supporting her through it all she couldn't help but feel like a burden. Something he felt he needed to do. And instead of actually talking and releasing some of her grudges she keeps it all inside because she wasn't the only one being punished in the situation. He too had lost a baby, a life as a father. 

Clarke blinks against the darkness of the room, she had absolutely no desire to leave her bed, she didn't for the first three days. She didn't know if someone had come to visit her but if they did then Bellamy must've kept them busy. Thanking them for their support but telling them that she wasn't in any shape or mood to see anyone at the time. 

The phone laying on the nightstand buzzed telling her that she should probably answer the 4 other messages that had come in that morning. Clarke sat up against her pillow and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She knew that Bellamy was in the kitchen, she had heard his talking for the past hour. 

Deciding to ignore her stuttering heartbeat and clammy hands she throws her feet of the side of the bed, squinting to try and find her slippers in the dim light coming through the curtains. When opening her closet she found that Bellamy had kept up with the laundry, some of the shirt she had been wallowing in were folded neatly. She also noticed five of his shirts laying in the back. 

She decided on wearing a pair of joggings and on of his shirts, liking the spacious feeling of it. After that she shuffled to the door quietly, giving herself one more minute to compose herself a bit. 

As soon as the door opened she could hear the conversation quiet down down the hall, when entering the kitchen see sees Bellamy, Murphy and Raven sitting around the kitchen island. They all smile carefully at her, returning a soft one of her own she grabs a glass from the cabinet and fills it with water from the tap. "Morning," she says softly. 

Bellamy raises his eyebrows as she joins them, leaning against the side of the island. 

"Morning Clarke, you're house is cute-ish" Murphy smirks at her. She grins not really looking up from her hands folded around the glass. "thanks Murphy."

"I'm really glad I get to see you, Clarke." Bellamy shoots a warning glance at Raven but she just seems to ignore that. Clarke looks at her friend. "Yes me too, I mean you come all the way from your Nasa project and I haven't really been the most gracious host, I'm sorry." She sees that Raven is about to protest. "but I doo trust that Bellamy has made up for my neglectful behavior."

Nobody seems to know how to react to that so Clarke rolls her eyes and chuckles. "Relax, I'm just teasing you. But I am serious about the first part, thank you for coming here Raven."

The brunette nods. "Ofcourse Clarke."

With all the courage she can muster she takes a look at Bellamy, who's been awfully quiet. "Any news?"

A look of helplessness crosses his face. "No not yet, but it's still an high alert." she watches as his hands ball to fists before releasing. 

Murphy and Bellamy fall back into an easy conversation and Raven starts telling Clarke about the progress she has made on the Nasa program the last couple of months. It always made Clarke feel like a proud mother bear whenever she'd hear about the accomplishments of her friends. Mother bear... she couldn't go down that thinking road. So she took a sip from her water and focused on the story of Raven. 

It's about 2 hours later when Raven and Murphy leave the apartment. Clarke smiles at Bellamy and starts collecting the used dishes. "Stop, I'll do that. Go take a bath or something," Bellamy grins at her taking the glass from her hands. Clarke raised her eyebrows. "Is that your way of telling me I reek?"

"No, it's my way of telling you to take a minute for yourself," he hesitates a second but decides to ask anyway. "And maybe afterwards we can talk?"

Her heart seems to sink because she knows how important this is to him and just about everytime they tried talking about everything she had started to panic and close up again. Maybe it is time though to try and fix everything together. He had been true to his word and never left her side. "Okay, after my shower we'll talk."

A weight seems to lift in the room and Bellamy smiles. "Okay."


End file.
